Interview With the Peter Pans
by BriMarie
Summary: My roommate decides to interview three different Peter Pans. It's worth at least one giggle.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Peter Pan. BUT, the host and Jenni happen to be my roommates and I own Robot Pan.

_Family Guy's "Dingo and Baby" song plays as the camera zooms in on Talk Show._

**HOST**

Hello, everyone! And welcome to APT 101 Ultimate Banana Talk Show Supreme!

_Applause sign blinks_

_Applause_

**HOST**

My name is Sarah, and I'll be your host for tonight. Today, we are interviewing Peter Pan. Not 1, not 2… BUT 3 PETER PANS!

_Audience gasps_

**SARAH**

That's right! 3 different boys who claim to be Peter Pan! But which one is telling the truth? They all can fly and they ALL have a sexy little Tinker Bell. You decide which Peter Pan is the ultimate Pan!

_Drum roll_

**SARAH**

Now, our first Peter Pan is animated and is owned by Disney… Meet the Animated Peter Pan!

_Animated Peter Pan flies out and swoops over the happy audience_

_Drum roll again_

**S****ARAH**

Our second Peter Pan is also owned by Disney… but has blonde hair. Meet Live-Action Peter Pan!

_Live-Action Peter Pan zooms out and starts playing tag with Animated Peter Pan_

_Drum roll continues_

**SARAH**

For our third Peter Pan, which is considered to be awkward considering he's a she.

_Everyone stops, including the two Peter Pans, and stares blankly at host_

**SARAH**

He, I mean, she…

_rubs chin_

Or does she want to be called He? Or the other way around? Hmmm.

_shrugs_

Welcome the Play Girl Peter Pan!

_Play Girl Peter Pan hovers out by fishing lines_

**PLAY****GIRL**

Hello, London!!

_Crickets_

**SARAH**

_coughs_

AHEM! Will all the Peter Pans please come to the stage and take your seats.

_They do as their told, but once they sit in their separate chairs, chains pop out and lock them down_

**ANIMATED PP**

_looks angry_

Hey! What's the big idea?

**LIVEACTION PP**

_blinks_

**PLAYGIRL PP**

Oh dear….

**SARAH**

_raises her hand to silence them_

This interview was paid for by Captain Hook… and this was his request. Don't worry, you might be released later.

**ALL PP****s**

_nervously_

Might?

**SARAH**

_in serious tone_

Yes.

_in happy tone_

Now! Let's get started with the interview!

**ALL PPs**

_smiles_

Ok!

**SARAH**

Now, Peter Pans, how do you feel about having different versions of yourself sitting beside you?

**ANIMATED PP**

_thinks hard_

I don't know…. It kinda feels weird, I guess.

**OTHER PPs**

_nods in agreement_

**SARA****H**

Since we don't know who the real Peter Pan is, we have decided to let the audience vote for who can be the main Peter Pan. So, this is not just a Talk Show interview, it's a job interview.

**LIVEACTION PP**

_disgusted_

Job?

**OTHER PPs**

EEEEeeeeewwwwww!!

**SARAH**

_Pops nine heads and hisses_

GET OVER IT!

_everyone, including audience and cameramen, meekly nodded_

**SARAH**

_goes back to cheery self_

Good! Now, Play Girl Peter Pan… why… why are you a girl, anyway?

**PLAYGIRL PP**

I'm no girl! I'm a boy!

**SARAH**

_dead panned_

Stop lying to yourself.

**PLAYGIRL PP**

_sighs in defeat_

I DON'T KNOW!

_tears roll down cheeks_

MY DAD WAS IN DENIAL THAT HE GOT A DAUGHTER INSTEAD OF A SON! SO, HE MADE ME PLAY A BOY IN THE PETER PAN PLAY!

_balls eyes out_

AND SINCE THEN, HE DRILLED IN MY HEAD THAT I'M A BOY! NOT A GIRL!!! See?

_moves hair to side and we see a piece of metal that has 'boy' engraved on it and was drilled into her skull_

**SARAH**

_stares blankly at emotional PP_

Oh…. Well… that kinda sucks.

_shakes head_

While our emotional Peter Pan cries… I guess I'll ask Live-Action Peter Pan something.

_Looks at LIVEACTION PP_

Tell me… what is up with that creepy smirk?

**LIVEACTION PP**

_Eyes tear up_

I'm creepy?

**SARAH**

_Nods knowingly_

**LIVEACTION PP**

_Sniffs and looks down_

Oh… I see.

**SARAH**

While you marinate in that new discovery, I'll ask you something else. Peter Pan's character is supposed to be free and happy. But in the 2003 movie, you have your angst moments. Why?

**LIVEACTION PP**

_Unsure_

Because… I feel… angry?

**SARAH**

_Leans in and nods intensely_

And when did you find out that you were sexually frustrated?

**LIVEACTION PP**

Sexually frustrated, what's that?

**SARAH**

You know that weird frustrating feeling that you get around Wendy?

**LIVEACTION PP**

_nods_

**SARAH**

That's sexual frustration. It's what Tinker Bell feels for you.

_Claps hands twice and calls off stage_

Jenni!

**JENNI**

_Walks out from lounge with a donut_

Yis?

**SARAH**

Could you get the DVD Helmet Player and show Live-Action Peter Pan "Bad Kitty"?

**JENNI**

Sure.

_walks back in lounge and comes back with a high-tech helmet_

_walks up to LIVEACTION PP and puts helmet on_

_closes 'windshield' of helmet_

Now, you'll be experiencing some discomfort, but there's a pamphlet at the secretary's desk on how to take care of that.

_Puts in DVD on side_

Have fun!

_walks back into lounge_

**SARAH**

_clears throat_

So… Since, Playgirl is still going through an emotional breakdown, and Live-Action is about to be permanently scarred for life…. I guess that leaves you and me, Animated Peter Pan.

**ANIMATED PP**

_wiggles in seat with excitement_

Wanna play a game?

**SARAH**

_smiles sweetly_

Why, no. No I don't.

**ANIMATED PP**

_crestfallen_

Oh… another time, I guess.

**SARAH**

_still smiles sweetly_

There won't be. Anyway, tell me honestly… who do you like more? Wendy or Jane?

**ANIMATED PP**

_thinks hard_

I don't know… Wendy is definitely a better mother than Jane. But Jane is a better Lost Girl than Wendy.

**SARAH**

So, when did you realize that you were a home wrecker?

**ANIMATED PP**

_looks horrified_

W-what? I ruin homes?

**SARAH**

_laughs at his face_

Well, YEAH! I mean, c'mon! Wendy likes you and then her daughter Jane likes you! And you imply you like them back! Imagine how Wendy's husband and Jane's father feel! They're the same person, ya know!

_laughs harder_

You… You took away two important people from one innocent man's life!

**ANIMATED PP**

_looks down in devastation_

I… I ruined a home AND ruined someone's life besides Hook?

**SARAH**

_rolling on the ground, laughing with tears_

Y-yeah! HAHAHAA!! AND THEN YOU SCREW WITH TINKER BELL'S HEAD BY FLIRTING WITH WENDY AND JANE! YOU'RE A HOME WRECKER AND A PLAYER!

**ANIMATED PP**

_looks ashamed_

I'm… I'm horrible!

**LIVE-ACTION PP**

_scared of helmet_

Someone get me out of here!

**PLAYGIRL PP**

_still crying_

**SARAH**

_sits back up normally and coughs_

Well, I'm bored. But I have the votes for who should be the main Peter Pan.

_Peter Pans look at Sarah while LIVEACTION PP struggles to get out of his chains and helmet_

**SARAH**

_takes deep breath_

None of you.

**PLAYGIRL PP & ANIMATED PP**

_perplexed_

Huh?

**SARAH**

_shrugged_

They like my Robot Pan… that will be killing you in five seconds.

_GREEN ROBOT STOMPS OUT AND EYES GLOW RED_

**ROBOT PAN**

_robotic voice_

Destroy all Pans and make Sarah pancakes.

**ANIMATED PP**

_panics_

I thought you were going to release us!

**SARAH**

_raises eyebrow_

I said I 'might' release you.

_shrugs_

Annnnd, I'm not.

**ROBOT PAN**

_eyes glow more bright_

DESTROY. DESTROY.

_Red beams shoot at Peter Pans and they instantly turn into ash_

_Robot Pan stomps to pile of ash and vacuums floor_

**SARAH**

_looks at audience and smiles brightly_

Well, that's all for tonight! FYI, there's an APT101 After-Party in the lounge! Come and join and eat some pancakes!

_everyone cheers and runs in lounge_

_Robot Pan is alone and looks into camera_

**ROBOT PAN**

_while eyes glow dangerously red_

_holds out vacuum hand_

Would you like to go to Never Land with me so I can kill you and make pancakes out of your ashes?

THE END.


End file.
